The first thing the plants ever taught me...

The first message I was ever given from the plants was this:

I won’t do for you what you already know you need to do for yourself.

This was a direct message from Ayahuasca after my first ceremony. In this ceremony I didn’t feel the medicine at all, I received no visions, no insights, just frustration that I had flown all the way to Peru for her not to address the very thing I had flown down there to heal.

But the next morning- this message is what she finally spoke. And I knew she was right. I acted immediately- and the following ceremony the medicine worked her healing magic on me.

But I had to leap first.

You’ll have to wait for my memoir to find out what it was that I needed to do for myself, but for now I want to talk about how these ceremonies- while they were 7 years ago- are STILL being integrated. Just today, after reflecting on the honor of having spoken on the Decriminalize Nature podcast with Larry Norris yesterday, where I got to share my story from growing up in church, doing sex work in my early 20s, to healing my shame, speaking my truth, and discovering my souls calling as a Medicine woman. In sharing this it dawned on me that the first clear and direct message I received from the plants was the most important one of them all. What Ayahuasca saying “I won’t do for you what you already know you need to do for yourself” really meant was don’t give your power away to me and integration above anything.

Like WOW. I have reflected much on how I acted in that very moment the morning after ceremony was the right thing to do- but I hadn’t really looked back to see the threads that had been woven from the very beginning to build the strong foundation that is needed to be a truly powerful Medicine woman.

You see, I’ve spent countless hours confused about how clear it is that this is the path that I am meant to walk- yet simultaneously yelling BUT WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG! I’ve thought, ok I have found my path, I know its authentic, its true, I have witnessed how strong and rare my energy clearing abilities that are and how much they can change peoples lives- so why is the flow of clients inconsistent?

I have asked this many times and I always get the same answer- your foundation is being built.

In one ceremony, Grandmother specifically said “if the universe had started sending you steady clients earlier, you wouldn’t have found your authentic niche. The way you are intended to hold ceremony is unique, it cannot be taught and you’ve needed to clear distortion from what youve been taught that have diluted your ability to fully channel from source” And even deeper than that, the universe has given me experiences where I’ve learned how to harness my energy so I can pour into ceremony from a full open heart instead of from grasping for money or momentum that would destabilize me.

And the most important of all- is the universe has tested my devotion. She has called me to hold the vision, the trust that this calling is for me, that the messages I’ve received are true, while not seeing it manifest the way that I would like in the physical. This, if anything, is what shamanism and magic truly is, trusting an inner knowing, a clear vision that isn’t logical more than what things appear like on the physical plane. I’ve seen time and time again that how things work on the physical plane are a distortion of the total reality. Money, time, death- none of it is real.

So great spirit has asked me today- to reflect on what it means to build a strong foundation and how that is far more important than receiving what I want swiftly. And inevitably, spirit is right- had the influx of clients happened earlier- I wouldn’t have been able to hold it- the whole structure may have fallen.

I also sit here, almost 2.5 years celibate- bringing this same message about foundation and applying it to how I navigate romantic relationships. In the past, I have jumped head first into love- I felt that that was the most authentic way - to not hide from love but welcome it fully and if it crumbles, deal with that later, and know that at least I had given it a shot. But after 2 marriages and now 2.5 years of being single, truly getting to know myself and treating myself like the queen that I am- I see things very differently. I believe we all came here to experience love at its deepest levels- and the deepest level is self love first. And the way that is embodied when merging with another is through slowly integrating the devotion to self with the devotion to other. The same patience I have put into my journey as a medicine woman is what I intend to put into my next relationship. I want to move slow and steady. I want to make sure the walls are strong, that they are build on love, honesty, shared vision, and the ability to hold ones own truth steady even during moments of fear that it may be what breaks the bond entirely. Radical authenticity as a core value system.

I love the way my medicine work is whats prepared me for everything else in my life or how everything in my life is what prepares me as a medicine woman- its all connected.

I know my personal healing journey is the preparation to be the best medicine woman I can be as well as the best partner I can be.

This is what keeps me showing up every day to look at myself and ask the hard questions “where am I still hiding? Where am I still blocking my light? Where do I still believe I am unworthy of having it all?” and simultaneously saying

“Where you are right now is perfect- make sure you’re enjoying the process of becoming”

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Hello Reader,

Thank you for reading my substack article. Last year I completed the first draft of my memoir- a soulful, funny, emotional, and deeply esoteric recount of how my Catholic upbringing led me down a path of rebellion as a Sex Worker, which became the initiation that would eventually help me to find my souls calling as a Shamanic Healer. I intricately weave the wisdom I have gained from the shamanic realms on Soul Contracts, Karma, dark entities, and Sacred Sexuality into how and why my story unfolded how it did. This substack is to serve my higher purpose- To dismantle the distortion of sacred sexuality and help humans find their way back into sacred union with self and other. I believe the path to this is through Transparency - which is the title to my memoir and the value system in which I write from. You can trust that anything I share is authentic, true, and without AI distortion.

If you like my writing, stay tuned for more- as I will continue to share here as a joyful side project while I devote myself to fine tuning my memoir to self publish next year. I welcome all support, whether it be financial or advice from fellow writers or kind reflections from other human beings.